Big Sister's Story

ADELAIDE'S BIG SISTER STORY

Overall, Adelaide has been a very good big sister and has been very loving and proud of Clara. That's not to say there haven't been any bumps. Here's the story...

Thursday May 5th was scheduled to be "Muffins with Mom" day at Adelaide's preschool. Emily had talked about it alot and Adelaide was excited. About 4 in the morning on May 5th I was scrambling to pack for the hospital. While I moved as quick and chaotic as a tornado, Emily quietly laid down in Adelaide's bed and cried. Although we were eagerly anticipating meeting Clara, we recognized that May 5th was the first time that one sister would be taking the stage at the other's expense. Emily would miss Muffins with Mom. We called Adelaide from the hospital about 7:15. She didn't have much to say, but then again, she had just been woken up. Later, our friend April updated us on how Adelaide's revised "Muffins with Mimi" went. April described how she had asked Adelaide where Mommy was. Adelaide responded "Mommy and Daddy went to the hospital to get my baby sister." When she spoke, she was beaming from footplate to fender. (Sorry. I occasionally speak in Thomas and Friends lingo these days.)

When Adelaide came to visit us at the hospital, she was sheepishly excited. She wanted to touch Clara. Then she wanted to give her a kiss. Then she wanted to hold her. A good first visit. Next time she visited she heard Clara cry and covered her ears. Adelaide definitely does have an aversion to loud noises, but this was VERY ironic considering Clara's cry is a far cry from Adelaide's infant cry. If Adelaide only knew how piercing her cry was. I feel like there was an awkwardness between Adelaide and us during the hospital stay. Adelaide had a cough, so we were trying to limit her exposure to Clara. In addition to that, you could tell she was uneasy by the fact that Mommy and Daddy and Clara were going to sleep at the hospital together, but she wasn't.

Adelaide was excited for the three of us to come home and meet her there. There was still a lot to get learn about this new baby in the house. It's a good thing she made some binoculars in preschool to check her out a little closer.

Adelaide started out going up to Clara and saying "goo goo goo ga ga" and wanting to hold her. After a day or so, she wasn't really interested in "baby talk" or holding Clara. She wasn't very interested in Clara in general. I won't try to get too much into the head of an almost 3 year old, but one must wonder. Emily's post-partum restrictions wouldn't allow her to pick Adelaide up for a couple of week - yet Emily was holding Clara for hours. Adelaide hates going to bed because she thinks she's missing out on fun that other waking souls could potentially be having. How would it feel when I put her to bed while Clara is still downstairs with Emily? Not to mention that a new born is either sleeping (bo-ring!) or crying (quick! hands over ears!). And wouldn't it seem like favoritism when we scold Adelaide for yelling because the baby is sleeping or when Adelaide is pushing the swing too hard - yet we don't scold Clara for crying so loud???

So that brings us to the low point so far. Mother's Day. Adelaide and I swung by CVS to get a Mother's Day card. I would have gotten one earlier of course, but Clara's birth put a spotlight my procrastination. On the way home Adelaide crossed her arms, put on a scowl, and said, "I don't want to tell Mommy happy Mother's Day and I don't want to give her a card because I'm sad because I'm not special any more!" Ouch. BIG ouch. I still tear up as I write about it. Now I know that every normal sibling shows some difficulty when the new baby comes. I know Adelaide is normal for having those feelings, but I don't think I was prepared for how much that hurt. Thankfully, she hasn't said anything that piercing again. I don't think Emily and I really had prepared mentally for that as part of the sequelae of Clara's arrival. Things seemed different between us and Adelaide. Again, I felt awkward. I used to tell Adelaide that she was my favorite girl in the whole world. One night soon after Clara arrived, Adelaide told me "Daddy, you're my favorite boy". The words came to the tip of my tongue and I didn't feel good about saying them or not saying them. I froze. Emily and I have now had lots of conversation with each other and with other parents about how to handle the older sibling when the younger comes. I think we're now a lot better prepared to show Adelaide that she is still extremely special and that we love her as much as ever - while still maintaining consistent expectations and discipline.

Have the lows of siblings outweighed the highs of siblings? Absolutely not. Adelaide is an extremely resilient kid. The highlight moment was Adelaide spontaneously at the end of dinner declaring, "I want to say a special prayer. Dear God, baby Clara came out of Mommy's tummy all by herself... and that was very nice. Amen." Oh such a sweet girl. She is back to wanting to hold Clara and saying "goo goo goo ga ga". She tries to share toys with her.

She wants to try and give Clara a pacifier and she mimics us when we "shhhh" Clara when she needs settling down. Adelaide refers to Clara as "cute".

I'm sure that by the time Adelaide and Clara are adults there will have been thousands of conflicts between them. I'm already praying that I'll know how to manage those conflicts while conveying to each one of my daughters that they are equally and wonderfully loved by their parents and by God. But for every conflict, I expect there will be thousands more hugs, kisses, shared secrets, and fun shared. Adelaide loves Clara and as soon as Clara can demonstrate love, I know I'll see it towards Adelaide. A few times we have had visitors over and one of them is often holding Clara as we start to say our goodbyes. Whenever Adelaide notices this, she says "No! I don't want you to take my baby sister!" No way in heck Adelaide will let anyone take away her sister Clara.

She loves her too much.